#57: I’m turning 30.
That’s right folks, I’m turning 30 this weekend. I’ve been feeling especially contemplative the last few weeks as I approach the end of my twenties. To say that I’m having a bit of a hard time with it would be an understatement. It’s not that I’m not excited about my thirties, it’s more that I’m not ready to say goodbye to my twenties yet. Turning 30 seems so officially adult and so inescapably real like the door of my young adult life is closing and I can’t even fathom what’s on the other side.
For the bulk of my twenties, many of my friends told me that I was the most “adult” and “put-together” friend that they had. I never really knew what to do with that kind of comment. I like feeling in control of my life and enjoy coming off like I know what I’m doing, but I can assure you that throughout most of my twenties I have felt just as uncertain and lost as everyone else. If anything, I wish I took more risks this past decade. I’m not talking about skydiving or dropping acid at Burning Man or rage quitting a job that made me deeply unhappy. Reflecting on the last decade as a whole, I just wish I would have put myself out there more, forced myself to feel a little uncomfortable sometimes, and tried more things that scared me. I know that in the grand scheme of things, I am very young with many decades ahead of me if I am lucky, but I still can’t help but feel disheartened by the lack of sparkle in my life over the last few years.
My early twenties were an incredibly emotional time for me. After my fairly sheltered and quiet adolescent years, I finally felt like I was coming into my own during my last two years of college, not feeling like a sidekick in my own life like I did most of my teenage years. I found a fun, lively, and smart group of friends and felt comfortable enough in my own skin to be more outgoing, dance at parties, and express my opinions in group settings. I was in a media program that I really enjoyed and I managed to get two summer internships in Los Angeles which allowed me a whole new perspective on being more independent and dipping my toes into the big wide world outside of the midwest. During my senior year of college, I was an existential mess unsure of what I wanted to do with my life, but I had an absolute blast having my brother and my cousin in the same city with me again. I flirted with feelings of impulsivity – moving away, telling a longtime crush how I felt, saying yes to things outside of my comfort zone – but in the end, I usually opted for the safe route and kept most things to myself.
After graduation, I was a hot mess for almost a year – completely unsure about where I wanted to live, what kind of job I wanted, and what kind of life I wanted to build for myself. I watched my sister experience these feelings almost seven years later; that post-graduation year was a real tough one for someone like me who tends to spiral when confronted with too much uncertainty. That fall, I went on my first trip to Europe as a solo traveler and met up with a group of strangers in Rome from all over the world including the US, the UK, Hungary, and Australia. It was one of the bravest and best things I’ve ever done. I’ve now lost touch with the people I met on that trip, but it was a truly transformative moment for me to get outside of myself, experience new things, and live life with a bit more adventure.
I came home with a sinus infection and bronchitis but a renewed sense of self, a taste for travel, and an itch to start writing again. I began writing articles for a now-extinct online blog called Regale, which I would end up managing about a year later. After months and months of searching and applying for jobs, I finally got an offer for a dream job in marketing at a local film festival. The next year and a half were some of the best of my life so far. I made barely any money but I absolutely loved my job and my coworkers. I made all kinds of new friends and found people that would nerd out with me and talk for hours about films, books, and television shows. I got to meet filmmakers from all over the world who were doing what they loved and making movies that I helped promote and get on the big screen. I was back home with my sister. I still had friends in Bloomington and made new friends in Indy that loved to dance and talk for hours. I loved trying new restaurants and cocktail bars and dancing my little heart out at the White Rabbit every month. I started a new book club, I moved into my own place, and I loved hosting gatherings and bringing people together. For most of that time, I truly felt like I was glowing.
As we all know, true bliss never lasts and things at work started to change. I learned quickly about toxic workplace dynamics and knew it was time to move on in my career. Then, in a very serendipitous way, I met someone who helped me get a new job in marketing and events at a fairly new local brewery. Knowing absolutely nothing about beer, but ready for a change, I threw myself into the new challenge. While it offered fun perks and exciting opportunities for growth, the new job kicked my butt for the first year taking my propensity for overworking to a new level. I learned an incredible amount, but I felt out of place in the bar culture and felt incredibly stressed for most of my waking hours.
Around this time, many of my friends and new acquaintances started moving away. Often it felt like I would just be getting past the awkward “new friend stage” to the “actual friend stage” when that person would then move to a new city. It was never very surprising since twenty-something life tends to be so transient, but it never got any easier. Even some of my closest friendships were slowly starting to fizzle out over time becoming more and more tenuous with each passing year. It was during this time that I lost my last remaining grandparent and started to see some of the cracks in our large family dynamic that I had never noticed before. I watched my brother and some of my closest friends move across the country and watched my sister go off to college. I started getting more invested in politics, current events, and social issues – all of which often made me completely overwhelmed, discouraged with the state of the world, and lacking hope for a brighter future. But even through all of the disappointment, stress, and sadness of this period, I had some amazing moments too: more trips abroad, long weekend trips to Austin, San Francisco, and Boston for the first time, getting my own dog, starting this newsletter, dipping my toes into volunteering, and seeing some of my friends and family marry their perfect matches.
Soon I was given the opportunity to get more help at work and hire a new marketing team member. After a tedious application process, I was finally able to hire someone perfect for the role and started loving the opportunity to lead a team and become a manager. Work was going well but I knew that event planning/operations/logistics was not my passion and that I should keep an eye out for other opportunities. I was already feeling like I was living my life at about 70% capacity and then the global pandemic hit.
And then what simultaneously felt like an instant but also a never-ending time loop, the last years of my twenties passed by like they barely even happened. The lights on my barely-hanging-on friendships went dark, I felt constantly nervous about getting my loved ones sick, and felt defeated by the state of the world. I dove headfirst into the distraction of books, audiobooks, and podcasts. I planned virtual movie nights with friends and family all over the country. I hosted a trivia game and listening party for my twenty-eighth birthday on Zoom. I joined early morning journaling sessions and creative workshops hosted by CreativeMornings via my computer screen. I relished long walks outdoors, cooking homemade meals, snuggles with my dog, and time with my family. I felt grateful to have a job that I could do almost 100% from my house now that events were not a thing. I relished the opportunity to creatively problem solve and find ways to get folks to support local businesses during an unprecedented time. I was grateful. I was scared. I barely wrote or did anything creative outside of work during this time. I was completely underwhelmed by my stagnant life.
At some point, things became a little less scary and a little safer. I started feeling better about doing things and seeing people. I was in the same city as my sister again. I got to see my brother in person after several months apart. I got to visit my cousin and my friend in Denver. I accepted a new job and now get to manage and mentor a full marketing team. I’ve started hanging out with people again and have started to meet the lovely, new significant others of some of my closest friends. I’ve taken some baby steps to get out into the dating world myself and get some help dealing with stress, anxiety, and unhelpful thought patterns.
And somehow we’re back in the present day. In a way, I almost feel like I’m back in my early twenties – feeling a little bit lost and a little bit overwhelmed by the uncertainty of it all. I am working on being gentle with myself and giving myself the time and space to process my feelings, hopes, fears, and desires. If I learned anything during the pandemic, it is that no one has any clue what they are doing and we are all figuring it out as we go along. I’m learning that being an adult means truly accepting myself as I am and learning to make peace with my past decisions whether or not I love them or regret them.
I keep thinking back to a conversation with a friend during my mid-twenties when he asked me, “Are you happy?” and I felt at a loss for words trying to answer such a bold and direct question. Both then and now, I think the answer would be “sometimes” but I’m hoping that in my thirties the answer will be “often.” I want to feel content with my choices, loved by the people I hold close, fulfilled in my career and my creative pursuits, and at peace with my little corner of the world. I want to know that I’m doing my best, always staying curious, and living my life at as close to 100% as I can manage. I want to live a life worth writing about and continue to make time for close reflection and constant growth.
Cheers to a brand-new decade, whatever that may bring. Thank you for reading this newsletter and joining me on this creative writing journey over the last few years. Your support means the world to me and I’m so grateful to have you in my life!
Until next time, friends. See you on the internet ✨
With love,
Sarah
Things Worth Sharing This Month
💌 This swoon-worthy new novel that is bound to be the next Beach Read
One of my favorite contemporary romance writers, Emily Henry, just released her latest book titled Book Lovers this month. I finally received my pre-ordered copy in the mail last weekend and could not put it down. No contemporary writer can write complex, lovable, sexy, and charismatic characters like Emily Henry. A true delight from start to finish.
🤐 This fun new podcast about the thrillingly bizarre mindlessness of third-degree gossip
Need a light-hearted podcast that is bound to make you laugh? I’d urge you to check out the new-ish podcast Normal Gossip. In each episode, the host, Kelsey McKinney, “discusses reader-submitted comedic gossip with guests, diving into the lives and decisions of complete strangers.” Special shoutout to my friend (and Cautiously Optimistic subscriber) Bailey for the fun recommendation!
📖 This thoroughly engrossing book about a literary con man
Another one of my favorite reads this year was A Ladder to the Sky by John Boyne. I picked up the book from the library after seeing a few very strong reviews on Goodreads without realizing I had previously read one of Boyne’s other books, The Boy in the Striped Pajamas, back in high school. A Ladder to the Sky was the perfect antidote to my fiction slump offering a highly captivating, unsettling story about a con man making his way through the literary world. It’s a bit more plot-heavy than most novels I enjoy, but Boyne writes so well that it completely sucked me into the story. Highly recommend!
🍪 This incredibly delicious cookie recipe perfect for spring
I cannot get enough of this cookie recipe made with chocolate chips and crushed mini Cadbury eggs. I’ve made three batches over the last two months. *chef’s kiss*
🧒🏻 This adorable Japanese reality show
Need a little dose of cuteness to get you through the bleakness that is twenty-first-century daily life? I’d recommend putting on a few episodes of the Japanese show, Old Enough!, that recently debuted on Netflix. Each episode (usually clocking it at 10-15 minutes) follows a Japanese toddler as they set out on their first errand alone, or with another child. In my mind, it’s a fascinating cultural study of the trust and collectivism mindset present in Eastern cultures that is starkly absent from the individualism of Western cultures like the United States. Mostly it’s just an adorable show and sometimes deeply funny. My favorite episode follows two 4-year-old friends who go out on an errand in Tokyo together in matching penguin rain boots.
🎻 These classical re-stylings of twenty-first-century pop hits with a Regency-era twist
As I’m writing this issue, I’m sitting in a coffee shop listening to the season two soundtrack of the Netflix period piece Bridgerton. I want to be best friends with whoever came up with the brilliant idea of remixing songs like Robyn’s iconic “Dancing On My Own” using only classical instruments. The first time I heard this version during the show, I got goosebumps. So good. I enjoyed this season of Bridgerton for different reasons than the first; this one felt very much in the vein of classic period piece dramas a la Jane Austen – lots of fleeting glances, broody horseback riding, and hiding one’s true feelings. While he’s no Regé-Jean Page, I didn’t mind looking at Jonathan Bailey’s handsome face for 8-episodes. Some of the drawn-out will-they-or-won’t-they teasing was a bit much this season, but overall I enjoyed the show for what is: a nice bit of escapism.
💻 This fascinating and insightful book about the future of remote work
I’ve been telling anyone who will listen about Out of Office: The Big Problem and Bigger Promise of Working from Home by Charlie Warzel and Anne Helen Petersen for the last two months. I’ve been a fan of Petersen’s writing (and newsletter) for a few years and will read anything she publishes. I’m also a total nerd for discussions on better ways to run companies, work-life balance, the future of remote work, and how to create a life that doesn’t only derive value from one’s 9-to-5. This book checks all of those boxes and more. It even takes some turns I wasn’t expecting like its analysis of the importance of community building and non-performative hobbies. Out of Office makes you think about what truly flexible and innovative work/life balance can look like in real life. My only qualm about the book is that some parts felt a bit rushed (likely due to the publisher trying to get this book out while we are still dealing with the global pandemic, as that vastly accelerated the way many companies approach remote work and flexible scheduling in general).
🎧 This thoughtfully researched podcast from my favorite writer at The Atlantic
I used to love tuning into Derek Thompson’s now-dormant podcast Crazy/Genius so I was thrilled to recently discover that he has a “new” podcast (the first episode aired in late 2021) that covers the intersection of tech, culture, and politics called Plain English with Derek Thompson. I’ve enjoyed and learned something new in every episode I’ve tuned into so far, but my top recommendations include: “Why Are American Teenagers So Sad and Anxious?” “Not Just You: America’s Epidemic of Bad Behavior,” and “When Will the Ukraine War End?” The episodes are well-researched, engaging, and offer insightful deep dives into some of the most pressing current events and stories of our time.
🔁 This playlist of new bangers I’ve been listening to on repeat
As per usual, you can find me vibing to overly sentimental and wistful indie-pop songs from artists like Cannons, Madi Sipes & The Painted Blue, Khalid, Blood Orange, Harry Styles, and more. Listen to the playlist on Spotify.
🚚 This Last Week Tonight episode about the sad state of the trucking industry
I can’t stop thinking about the recent expose on the American trucking industry featured on Last Week Tonight with John Oliver last month. The 24-min story (which you can watch on YouTube) outlines the predatory practices of the industry, scammy lease-to-own structures, hiring loopholes, and more. The shipping and trucking industry is certainly something we take for granted and if the system doesn’t start swinging in favor of workers’ rights, we are all bound to suffer the consequences.
🍔 This delicious burger from a local pizza joint
I recently revisited King Dough, a local restaurant in the Holy Cross neighborhood of Indianapolis, and ordered the KD Burger & Fries which was incredibly delicious. Although the business is known for its pizzas, I am going to be telling anyone who will listen about their tasty burgers!
🦸🏻♀️ This wild and wacky new movie from A24
The film world is going bananas for the new sci-fi/action film Everything Everywhere All At Once from directors Dan Kwan and Daniel Scheinert, collectively known as Daniels, whose prior work includes the 2016 film Swiss Army Man (which I still have yet to watch). I went into the film screening knowing basically nothing about it and if you have yet to see it, I would highly recommend doing the same. It’s an incredibly weird and visually stunning film and takes the cake as one of the more memorable movies I’ve seen in recent years. Michelle Yeoh is a real treasure to watch alongside her co-star Ke Huy Quan.
🕺These fun new music videos that have to be top contenders for songs of the summer
Whenever I am in need of a lil pick-me-up, I have been putting on these two music videos back-to-back: “As It Was” by Harry Styles and “About Damn Time” by Lizzo. They are both a joy to watch in their own ways. To quote my friend Annie about Harry Styles: “He keeps getting more attractive…even in a red sequin jumpsuit.”